My Metamorphosis

Egg.
Caterpillar.
Pupa.
Butterfly. 

I am writing in my blog after a personal hiatus of two years. Two years from hell. From hell and back, as the saying goes.

God doesn't give you a burden you cannot bear because His intent is for you to learn, grow and change.

It took me two years, but here I stand before you, flapping my wings.

Egg

Total burnout. Career, marriage, health. January 2017. You would not recognize me. I did not recognize me. Who am I? Why am I going through this?

Caterpillar

I'm crawling. At least I am moving. Not knowing where I am going. But inching slowly. Sometimes forward. Sometimes backward. The key objective was to move.

Pupa

They say a caterpillar turns to liquid before achieving the butterfly stage. I needed to let go of structure, limiting beliefs, and judgment. I let go of control. I became the water in the river that suddenly could flow freely, without a care and only with gratitude.

Butterfly

I am perched on a tree. Below me is the river. Some days it's calm and quiet. Other days, the river rages past me, with the wind and water slapping my face. But I am equipped for any day now. Because now I can fly. I flutter during the calm days and I soar above the turbulence. And I am grateful for the two years from hell.

This is my metamorphosis.

Ode to Me

Look inside
see who sits
waiting for light
building four walls
to protect, for safety
no light comes in
fortress fortified
feelings unjustified
shed light in each corner
open the window
soak in the rays
dissolve the barriers
enter at risk
face the door
turn the knob
too hot to touch
burn, burn, burn
to feel again
see who sits
with fire beneath
to feel again
this is my house
this is my life
Ode to me.

Being cruel to be kind

On a rainy, foggy day, she heard a song. After listening to it over and over, her voice expelled into the surrounding mist. There was no road. There were no cars. Only faceless lives that sped past her peripheral. And it was precisely then, she realized, what was whispering in the recesses of her mind.


Take your eyes off of me so I can leave
I'm far too ashamed to do it with you watching me
This is never ending, we have been here before
But I can't stay this time cause I don't love you anymore
Please stay where you are
Don't come any closer
Don't try to change my mind
I'm being cruel to be kind

Judgement Day

...and she lifts her head up ever, so slowly. Looking around, she evaluates the damage that has occurred. Is it too much to internalize? That is all she does. Internalize, analyze and judge. How can judgment be made by me, myself and I, she asks? Who is there to listen to the internal rumblings of a woman who can no longer accept the status quo? Her head is heavy, her heart is heavy, her soul is muddled. Only three people listen.


As she maneuvers through the meteorites of an unknown world, its like a Star Wars prequel in her universe. She must revert back to a time when the universe around her was readable.


A space where yesterday was but a nostalgic reminder of what can never be again. Repeatable. She cannot depend on time that ceases to be remembered. Is she enveloping a new universe? Must she mold it into a wondrous time that is yet to occur?


She looks out from her mind's eye and waits for a sign.

Drifting

Whatever happens, don't let go of my hand...MJ

Are you listening? Coz I have something to say.....

When the Universe does not respond accordingly, tell it what you want it to do.

Status Quo

It is more risky to stay status quo. Be the change.

Screw the Selfie - Listen to yourself

Self talk

There's no more important criticism than self criticism.


There's no amount of external validation that can undo the constant drone of internal criticism.

And negative self talk is hungry for external corroboration. One little voice in the ether that agrees with your internal critic is enough to put you in a tailspin.



The remedy for negative self talk, then, is not the search for unanimous praise from the outside world. It's a hopeless journey, and one that destroys the work, because you will water it down in fear of that outside critic that amplifies your internal one.



The remedy is accurate and positive self talk. Endless amounts of it.



Not delusional affirmations or silly metaphysical pronouncements about the universe. No, merely the reassertion of obvious truths, a mantra that drives away the nonsense the lizard brain is selling as truth.
 

You cannot reason with negative self talk or somehow persuade it that the world disagrees. All you can do is surround it with positive self talk, drown it out and overwhelm it with concrete building blocks of great work, the combination of expectation, obligation and possibility.



When in doubt, tell yourself the truth. --Seth Godin

Hope

I am inhaling the winds of change and exhaling the mist of time past.

It's all in one look

A smile is so sexy, yet so warm. When someone genuinely smiles at you, it's the greatest feeling in the world.