Back when I was in high school, I thought I had it all figured out. Most teenagers think that they do. What exactly did I know back then? Well, primarily it was about living two different lives.
Squeeze me?
Growing up, I was completely aware of the double life I led. The one behind my front door and the other past the front door.
You see, living at home was the easy part. Rules, culture and religion were known aspects within our home. Pray five times a day, don't eat pork, be home before 10pm, no alcohol and don't talk back to your father. I grew up with those regulations without questioning them. It was the accepted way of life.
When I walked out the front door, that was when I entered the unknown. Different rules, cultures, religions and expectations.
Assimilate or differentiate?
When you are a teenager trying to fit in, the answer is clear. And I tried hard to compromise. I never balked from going out the front door but I did return, coming home more confused than ever.
I recall sitting with a group of friends in the high school cafeteria. We would discuss school, assignments, gossip about other people, share our goals and aspirations and fight the odd time. We sat at the same table everyday -- we were a rather large group of about 10 girls and guys. Many of the girls had boyfriends who they would bring along to share in the discussion.
The topic of dating and relationships came up one afternoon. I remained quiet for the most part. This was not my topic of expertise and believe me, I never held back on any other topic from before so I let this one slide. The conversation consisted of the girls complaining about men, how they lacked sensitivity and emotions while the guys complained how moody and judgemental the girls were. I was careful not to comment, take sides or to offer any insight. They all knew I was forbidden to date based on my "look but don't touch rule". It was common knowledge but a mysterious unknown. To them, it was something about my religion being against the concept. But no one ever asked me bluntly to explain it.
Until that day.
Everyone had left the table to go to class except one of the guys and me. I was still eating my lunch and studying for a test. He asked if he could sit with me since he had a spare. He was one of my friend's boyfriend and I knew that they were not on good terms. In the past, they had both approached me for advice. And ironically, I had offered my advice -- this coming from a girl who never dated. If I thought she was at fault, I called her out on it and vice versa. I never volunteered to be their confidante but I ended up becoming the 'guru of dating'. It came down to trust and honesty--both traits that I offered. Easy for me because there were no strings attached.
Until that day.
"So Tina and I are breaking up," he quietly said to me as I tried to apply ketchup over my french fries. It squirted everywhere when he made his announcement.
Note to reader: I was a HUGE klutz back then and still am today.
He helped me clean up the mess, oblivious to my blunder and more concerned about my reaction.
"Did you tell her?"
"Not yet. I was going to ask your thoughts on the matter first," he replied. I looked back at my textbook, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
"You should not be telling me this. You need to talk this through with her. I am sure you both can work it out together. You are a bit headstrong, you know." I clapped my hand over my mouth. Damn! Seriously, I thought, I talk too much!
"Headstrong? That is an unfair observation. What do you know?" he demanded.
"All I know is that you both have been unhappy for the last six months and instead of talking to each other, you both come to ME to complain!" I threw out the fifteen napkins it took to clean up the ketchup mess on the table.
He looked at me silently and then sat back in his chair. I resumed studying for my test. I thought he would make up his mind and leave to talk to Tina.
But he just sat there and stared at me.
"You know something? Over the period of time that we have known each other, I have noticed something about you."
I looked up from my textbook. He passed me another napkin and motioned me to clean the ketchup off my shirt.
"And what is that?" I asked.
"You get me. You always have. And if you were allowed to date, we would be dating now."
I could feel my ears growing hot while the blood spread across my face and the butterflies erupted in my stomach. I looked everywhere else but at him.
"You are wrong. Even if I could date, I would not date my friend's boyfriend!"
He did not buy my answer. "Forget Tina. If she did not exist, would you date me?" he asked. He moved closer and I dropped my pencil case on the floor.
"I am not allowed to date so don't throw these fictitious scenarios at me."
"You are not answering the question."
"I don't want to answer the question!" He moved back to his original spot at the table and watched me fumble with my textbook.
"I am not allowed to date," I repeated in a hushed voice and again could not make eye contact.
"Why not?" he inquired.
"Because we are not supposed to ...with any dating ....before we marry...and its an arranged marriage ...parents are supposed to do this..." I stood up with my books and tried to walk past him. I had no clue what I was saying. All I knew was that I was speaking a foreign language.
He blocked my exit. "You are a great listener and even a better friend. You are not like the other girls. Tina doesn't understand me. You don't know it but you would be a great girlfriend. Everyone says it... but not to you."
I looked up at him. He was not joking and there was sincerity in his eyes. They would all come to me with their problems and I felt free just knowing that I was not part of the drama. On the other hand, I missed having a relationship that was deemed 'normal' --in that world outside my front door.
What perturbed me the most was that I could not explain why I could not date. It was sort of explained to us more as a rule than a reason. You cannot date. You cannot have a boyfriend. You will shame your family. You will shame the community. You are Muslim. You are not like them. It paralyzed me that I could not offer an explanation to him without knowing what it meant to me.
I looked around the cafeteria and saw many couples. Some were eating together, studying or just sitting in silence holding hands. He stood in front of me, blocking my way out of the cafeteria, waiting for an answer. I could feel both my worlds colliding, the warning bells going off in my brain and my heart sinking.
"I am who I am because I am not in a relationship. The quintessential observer. Unbiased, non-judgemental--on the outside looking in. I can talk the talk but I cannot walk the walk. It would not be the same if we were in a relationship together. I would not be the same. I think you know that," I reasoned. We stood facing each other for a good minute.
He stepped aside and allowed me to pass. You don't know it but you would be a great girlfriend. Everyone says it but not to you. I walked home that day wondering what type of girlfriend I would really be, if given the chance.
Would I always be the outsider looking in? Always be a part of society but not really? These questions stayed with me until I met my husband.
Even though I was technically no longer the outsider, I was not in any relationship that allowed me to 'walk the walk' with my husband...nor were we the only two people!
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