With my last course finishing at the end of April, all sights and sounds were dedicated to my impending marriage. We had just dispatched the wedding invitations and my heart skipped a beat.
With the words embossed on the card, it became official. I was to be married on August 31, 1991. From the time I met him in November of 1990, it was like a blink of an eye. Here I was, in the beginning of the summer, getting ready. My last summer as a single girl. And I was only twenty.
In early July, we went to check out the wedding hall. From my recorded memory, this was probably the first and only time that we were alone. My father and his parents took one car while he insisted that I accompany him alone in his. We got into his small Honda hatchback and drove a half hour to the hall. By this time, with the marriage happening in seven weeks, my father obliged for me to travel with him unchaperoned.
It felt surreal. Here I was, in a car with him, after many months of trying to be alone together, and ironically without words to speak.
Those who knew me, would say emphatically, that I was an expert in the art of speaking. Silence for me was awkward except if I was alone. When I was alone, I would block all noises and search deep within my soul for answers. But being in a crowd where no one was talking seemed alien to me.
He drove for about ten minutes in complete silence. I sat back and looked out the window. I am not going to start the conversation, I told myself. I wanted him to start rather than me babbling about frivolous things--something I did when I was sensing the other party's difficulty initiating conversation. But he remained quiet. Once in awhile, I would look over and we would smile at each other shyly, however this did not instigate conversation.
I began to despair. If he doesn't start talking then maybe he is not a talker to begin with! I began to imagine us together, at pivotal times in our marriage--anniversaries, birth of our children, starting new phases in our life with me holding up the entire marriage through incessant chatter while he sat back, quiet as a mouse, smiling adoringly. I needed someone to share in conversation, challenge and fight with me!
I could no longer wait.
"Is it me or are you waiting for me to start the conversation, as usual?" I asked, addressing the windshield in front of me. I continued to stare ahead, afraid of his answer.
"You normally start talking before I get in a word edge-wise," he smiled sheepishly at me. "I thought I would steal your thunder if I started talking before you did-- since you always make an effort to begin the conversation."
How wrong we both were! I squirmed in my seat, thinking of how to respond.
"I am so sorry. I guess I am just a filler!" I retorted excitedly.
"A filler?"
"You know...when there is silence, I need to fill it with something!" I said, expecting him to understand.
I cannot speak on his behalf but I knew that I was avoiding the inevitable. And the inevitable was the truth.
I was so conscious of revealing my true self to him that I built a wall around me and pretended I was being open with him, when in fact I was just protecting myself. I was scared to BE myself, fearing rejection even before we were married. My words were building a wall and in the end, they were just empty words.
We ended up driving to the hall in relative silence, apart from some fact sharing about where our nuptials would take place.
I could not explain it but for some reason, just being together alone, for the first time without talking, was a milestone in our relationship...because we were both comfortable. When we arrived at the hall, I realized my body language had even changed. I was turned towards him, in the passenger seat of the car, with my arm resting next to his.
We got out of the car at the same time our parents arrived. And the chatter began from the time we entered the hall until we finalized all the details and came out.
We walked back to the car in silence. My father looked over at us and asked, "Why are you two so quiet? Fighting already?" he joked.
I looked over at my husband-to-be and let him take the lead.
"We will have a whole lifetime to talk about everything. Why spoil it now?"
A part of me fell in love with him right then and there.
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