Blue Eyes

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

I wrote him a letter, that in the end, I could not send.

The selfish me wanted to buy time, wanted to extend the illusion of him being around, waiting for me.

He would not see me and this made me cry. And it took me awhile to understand the reason why.

Love me for me and remember the past, for the future holds too many truths.

My chest was heavy with the burden of inheriting a loss beyond reason.

The words flew onto paper without heed or focus - the unleashing of pent up emotions trying to find a place to escape to.

Only to find incomplete solace in the darkness of the night.

I wanted to envelope his pain, blanket his suffering and vacuum away the C. But they beat me in the race to the blue ocean.

And I cried and cried -- and my tears created such enormous waves, that for one split second, I lost sight of him.

But he surfaced and then I saw him - just his eyes, with that familiar crinkle around the corners that told me he was smiling. And just as suddenly as they appeared, his blue eyes disappeared and melted into the blue ocean. And a calm swept over me like never before. And the heaviness was released from my chest.

I waded my feet in the water, but many times, without hesitation, he jumped into the ocean without fear. And how I admired and watched him from afar. He made it so easy, made it so desirable, made it his priority. And I watched, while standing on the unmoving earth and was mesmerized by it all.

The waves have settled, the water is shallow and I wade in the sea, waiting to meet you. Don't venture too far out, but if you must, I understand. For I am not alone. The memories have washed ashore and there are many shells strewn everywhere.

I pick up one seashell and hold it close to my ear. Love me for me, he whispers.

I do, Blue Eyes, as I run and jump into the ocean...