Ok, so one of the benefits of not sleeping is staring up at the ceiling and counting non-existent sheep. In the midst of losing myself in this age-old practice, I started analyzing my life--every minute and gory detail.
I was awake like any other night, lamenting on entering my 40s, when a jolt went through my body at 3am this morning upon the realization that I did not know whether I had IT in life. By the term, IT, I meant what I want in life.
Happiness. Health. Wealth. Success. A great relationship. Fame. A Legacy.
At the end, what is it we are all aiming for? Subjective, isn't it?
And while we pursue whatever it is we are looking for, I don't think I have met ONE person who has EVERYTHING they want in life. There are always skeletons in the closet, ghosts in the corner of our eyes, and monsters arising from the ground. I am not talking about your average horror flick. I am talking about...insecurities.
We all have them. I don't care how confident you appear on the exterior. Of course, some ARE more confident than others. But the only ones I know who are completely fearless are the innocent babes who have not experienced life. Been burned, betrayed, screwed, hurt, fallen, and experienced failure. Most certainly, we learn from our mistakes, although many won't or don't.
But for me, all of these experiences have shaped who I am today. I have written many times that hindsight is 20/20. We all wish at some point to go back in time to right all the wrongs. But this isn't 13 going on 30 or Freaky Friday where you can rewrite history. The reality of the matter is the NOW. Forget the past, bury the skeletons, exorcise the ghosts and face the monsters. To find me entailed all these actions.
What do I want in life? If I am looking for certain things, I have a feeling I wouldn't recognize it unless it slapped me in the face.
And then it hit me, like a ton of bricks, at 4am this morning.
It has slapped me in the face... many times.
And I realized just then, adversity was key to understanding my life.
Squeeze me?
Health= a nephew with cancer
Wealth= a trip to a third world country
Happiness= access to the amenities required in life
A relationship= riding the rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows without puking
A legacy= allowing my progeny to make mistakes and learn from them
Fame= phonecalls and face to face meetings with those who having meaning to me
Success= to find the inherent good in everyone despite evils in the world
It lasted two weeks, my certainty of a "midlife crisis". And as I sat on my window ledge and looked out at the sky, I nodded in acknowledgement. The only certainty is death and not to take anything I have today for granted.
And then I slept...like there was no tomorrow.
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