You could say I lost my faith in science and progress
You could say I lost my belief in the holy church
You could say I lost my sense of direction
You could say all of this and worse but
If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do
I never saw no miracle of science
That didn't go from a blessing to a curse
I never saw no military solution
That didn't always end up as something worse but
Let me say this first
If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do
--"If I ever lose my faith" by Sting
There was a time when I lost faith. Of course it happened at the times when my life sucked. But there was always a force that picked me up and resolved my misery. I was inevitably given a sign to renew that faith. My mother received her sign. She knew three months before she lost her life that she would be taken away and I didn't believe her. I fought all the signs but like the song says, science got me no where. And I had to give believing a chance...
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gave me lemons, I tried to peel them with my fingernails. And as it stands today, I always tackle every problem in the most complicated way. It was the way I was raised. If something didn't take a lot of effort, I wasn't trying hard enough or working hard at it. It was an age-old debate with my father about work ethic. Coming as an immigrant, it was engraved into his eternal being that we would have to work very hard to attain the luxuries in Canada. That meant whenever we were working towards any goal, it meant showing him that we worked hard for it. I wasn't smart enough back then to show him the 'perceived value' like most of my friends. According to father dearest, there were no short-cuts, cutting corners, cheating the system or finding a simple solution. Hence, that was how my brain was trained. The point to this tirade was that I had other ideas, and rebellion was not what I planned -- it just happened.
I was indeed engaged to someone else. Well sort of. And to boot, it was with someone of my own choosing. God forbid! The worse thing, back twenty years ago, was the knowledge that I escaped the traditional binds of my culture to find my future husband. And let me tell you, this didn't pan over very well with my father who was more concerned about my reputation. Imagine! The nerve of her; choosing her OWN husband. And that I did.
It never was formalized but remained a verbal agreement without a ceremony, exchange of rings or a trading of dowry. But it existed and it soon became a reality that I didn't seriously consider. He was a friend I knew for many years and when the going got tough in my life, he was there at my most vulnerable state. Somehow, we had to legitimize this friendship and when I announced it to my father, he was dismayed, stunned, stoic, flabbergasted--a mix of volcanic emotions. Just writing about it conjures up images of that one blue vein that used to pop in the middle of his bald forehead when he was angered. Silence and the vein.
I wasn't sure what angered him more: my rebellion, the concealment of the relationship or my frank ability to outsmart and outwit him. I presented the topic of my potential mate during a non-chalant conversation while watching 60 minutes. I will never forget him turning off the television and facing me with the statement:
"You robbed me of my duty of finding you a husband."
In my eyes, with a pure, unadulterated strategy, my future fiance was presented to him on a platter. It was the "take that" action I committed that left my father reeling. He knew very well that I was about to embark on the next chapter of my life without his help. I thought I was smart. I thought I was in love. I thought I had the strength and faith to carry it out. And no one was going to stop my bus. Get out at the next stop if you can't handle it!
Little did I know, the invisible umbilical cord was about to be yanked--not by Mommy, but...Daddy. A hundred lemons hit my Freedom Bus and I was frantically pulling the cord so I could jump off at the next stop!
If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do
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