Every time I passed the burnt mark on the ground by the side of my house, it was a constant reminder of my arrogance. Who was I to think that I could change the course of my future? I used to think it all fell on me--decisions, strategies and commitments but when I wasn't looking for the signs, they came to me. And worse, when I asked for a sign, it came without pause or hesitation.
For the skeptic reading this, its ok. I allow you to be unbelieving. Because this did not happen to you. All I can say is that my faith, from that day on is unwavering. I do not question. I open up and allow things to 'fall' as they may. However, it did not mean that I had no opinion or emotions about the events that occured. The next couple of postings will be the hardest ones I write.
The lightning bolt that missed my window by a few feet not only ignited the grass below but the emotional rollercoaster I was on. My car was at the top, just teetering over a very long drop. And all it took was a phone call to jolt the car over the precipice.
I rehearsed day after day what I would say. I practiced in the mirror, driving to school in the car and in my bed before I fell into a fitful sleep. No matter how much I tried to sound empathetic and sincere, I was fooling myself. The plan was to tell him it was over on the phone. My reasoning? Our relationship began on the phone and through letter correspondance. You would think that I would meet him face to face to break the news. But to be completely honest, even when we met chaperoned at his home or mine (only twice), even then, I could not look him in the eye. He mentioned this in one phone conversation after I met his family at their home. He laughed and said I was never shy on the phone and this quality was one of the reasons he fell in love with me. Love. He had written this in his letters and said it to me on the phone. Funny thing...I had never said it to him. He never asked me why or demanded that I reciprocate his declaration. It was one of the tell tale signs illustrating my commitment to a relationship that was apparently one-sided.
Somedays, I wanted him to yell at me and interrogate me on this point. He never did. He was complacent when it came to my opinions, thoughts and desires. And it dawned on me. He had jumped in this relationship with both feet while I was still dipping one foot, testing the waters, with the other placed firmly by the poolside. I was not willing to jump in with him from the beginning although he was holding out his hand and coaxing me to join. As much as I feared the water, it was him that I was scared of more. Would he really catch me if I jumped in? And then, there was my father, standing at the other side of the pool with a life preserver--the lifeguard. Warning me to stay away from the edge. Telling me to avoid the sharks in the water. Hardly! My fiancee was not the shark.
In the end, I was. And it took only one bite to do him in.
"I hate you! How could you do this? What kind of a human being are you? Selfish, undeserving, immoral and unethical! You really do not realize what you got yourself into, do you? How many people you are going to hurt because of this! I don't even know how you can look at yourself in this God-forsaken mirror!" I looked at my reflection in disgust and felt despondant. I was in the bathroom, preparing myself for the barrage of insults, accusations and disappointment that was about to happen. I had prolonged it for too long. It was now three weeks later from the lightning incident, near the end of October 1990. It was now or never. And if I chose never, I knew it would lead to both of our unhappiness.
I picked up the phone with trepidation. My mind blanked out. Weeks of preparation flew out the window and I was shaking as I dialed his number. It was 9:30pm on a Friday night and I figured he would be home by now after closing up the store. I caught him driving home. I had to clear my throat several times during the conversation to mask my nervousness, but he noticed the coolness in my voice.
"Something has changed," he questioned.
"Yes. Everything has changed." I asked him to pull his car over to the side. I did not want him driving while I told him the news that would rock his world.
I began to speak but it was not me. It was an outer body experience and as I spoke the words to him, they were foreign and surreal. He was quiet and did not interrupt so I had to ask twice if he was there. Silence, but I heard him breathing so I continued. She watched me talk to him on the phone. She was high up top near the ceiling, watching our conversation, feeling agitated and angry. She cried out to me, Don't do this! This is not right! Tell him its a joke. Hang up. Do anything, BUT DO NOT DO THIS!!
But the robot in me continued. I do not remember the entire conversation but I do know that I was reasoning the point about how my education came first and that I needed to concentrate on my studies. That getting married would disrupt this plan and that this was my priority. I spoke nothing about our relationship. I couldn't. It was a business case. And that is how I laid it out. As pros and cons of the situation, with the cons outweighing the pros. Silence. He did not speak a word. The girl above me was crying, yelling, screaming and pulling out her hair but I ignored her. Our conversation lasted for ten minutes. I ended it with an apology. The only word that I could genuinely speak with emotion, with a heartfelt voice, with love was Sorry.
He hung up and I stared at the receiver for what seemed like hours. When I hung up the phone, I lay back in my bed and bore my eyes into the ceiling. She was watching me with her cruel eyes and shaking her head. You bitch. I turned my head to the side. I felt nothing. No relief, no hurt, nothing.
She stayed above and watched as I tried to sleep. She clanged pots, turned the music up loud and laughed wickedly as I put the pillow over my head. Leave me alone, I begged but she remained there all night.
In the morning, I removed the pillow from my face and looked up. She was still there looking at me, with sad eyes.
She, the girl who watched as everythiing unfolded,... was my conscience...
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