I didn't sleep that night. It was like a ton of bricks had hit me in my conversation with my father. He avoided me when I came home after speaking with my brother. I remember going to my room and staring out the window for most of the night, pondering and then asking, what next?
I had many conversations with God although many of these were few and far between around the time my mother passed. As I was searching within myself, I found I needed an outlet to unloaded my burden so I began talking to Him again. Ironically, the night of my conversation, it began to rain and then thunderstorm. I kept my window open to feel the damp breeze on my face. It felt good to see and hear the rain and it made me feel that it was ok to cry along with the sky. Although I cannot remember word for word what I said, the results were dramatic and unnerving--there was no sign more intense than what I saw that night. And it made me believe that my destiny was laid out for me, no matter how hard I tried to avert it.
The conversation kind of went like this:
You know I have been miserable for months and yet you let me believe I was making the right decision. When he called me after my mother died, I thought this was the sign; I thought he was the right one who would be there for me, through thick and thin. But you never let me feel right about it. The whole time, you thwarted my plans and my father was your pawn. If you feel this is the path I must take, I need a sign. I know there have been so many thus far but the cynical, skeptical me keeps rejecting what is in front of me. I don't know the next step. And to be honest, I am too scared to move forward. I cannot make the decision I am about to make -- it will hurt him very much and I do care deeply for him. I don't know what love is. Maybe you are showing me that I am not meant to know at this point. But I gave him my word and I think my word is bigger than me. I need to honour my commitment and stay true to him.
I was going back and forth in my argument but the rational me would take over and ignore what was in my heart. What was I to follow? Fairness, justice, rational and logical thinking, that pushed me to stick to my original commitment or follow the sixth sense that haunted me day after day, with my physical body turning against me, fighting with my heart and shaking my soul with warnings so powerful that it took every ounce in me to turn a blind eye. And as I struggled with my thoughts, He answered me in the most violent way.
With my window slightly open, and thunder crackling in the distance along with lightning that blanketed the sky, suddenly a loud clap of thunder, so loud that it reverberated through the window into my body, hurling me back onto my bed, coupled with a flash so bright made me think twice about what had just happened. I thought I saw a bolt of lightning hit in front of my window, down to the ground. I was so shaken that I was frozen on the bed, too scared to move and go near the window. I heard running outside my door. My sister knocked on the door and asked me if I had heard the last sound of thunder. She looked at me oddly as I lay quivering in my bed. When I didn't answer, she laughed and walked out. I got up and went back to the window. Again I heard thunder and saw lightning but both were mysteriously off in the distance. I saw my neighbour's head appear in her window. I motioned her to call me.
"Did you see the lightning?" I expected her to clarify what I meant.
"It hit right in front of your window, on your side of the hedges!!" she exclaimed.
The next day was bright and sunny. And since I did not sleep the entire night, I got up at 5:30am and walked out of the house to the side.
And sure enough, He had left his mark. I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand.
There was no question about it. No hesitation, no doubts. It was the ultimate sign.
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