My conscience became an overpowering force that followed me for many weeks. It ate at me and wore me down. But worst, there was an ache that I could not explain. It was a combination of butteflies in my stomach along with an hollowness in my chest. Was this what others coined as 'heartbreak'? I know that for a few days after I made the call, I was numb. When others spoke to me, their words fell on deaf ears. I could not focus on menial tasks (I threw out my university marks and kept the junk mail).I walked past people I knew, and when I went out anywhere, I would lose my car in parking lots. I was a mess. The only person who supported my decision was my father. My siblings and friends dare not speak their minds to me as they knew I was in a fragile state but I knew deep down that they were not impressed with my 'rash' decision.
One day the phone rang and my father entered my room as I was studying for midterms.
"It's his sister. She wants to speak to you." My heart skipped a beat. Damn, I could only think about what she was going to do to me.
"Tell her I am not home." My father shook his head and covered the mouthpiece. "You need to end this and if she wants to speak to you, just listen to what she has to say and apologize." I looked incredulously at him. Why did I need to apologize to her? We weren't the ones who were engaged! But I knew I could not avoid this call. A part of me wanted to know if he was ok. And the only way was through his sister.
The barrage of insults, accusations and emotional fury was unleashed the moment I said "Hello." I was not surprised. This is what I had mentally prepared for but I thought it would come from him. For half an hour, she told me what she thought of me. And it was not pretty. I knew better so I kept my mouth shut.
Despite the expletive language, I could distinctly hear the hurt in her voice and that translated to me his hurt. The disbelief, the utter incomprehension that my decision created was unmistakable in her ramblings. I let her take it out on me. If I were to interrupt or hang up the phone, it would mean unfinished business for her. The least I could do was let her explode and empty herself of the contempt she had for me.
She said some pretty hateful things, and at times, I thought too extreme in the grand scheme of things. I was not divorcing her brother; I did not develop a close relationship with her or the rest of the family. And during the one-sided conversation, I felt violated because my relationship with him was between us--not for her to comment on. Nevertheless, I remained silent. When she was winding down, she asked me one simple, loaded question. "If you loved my brother, why would you do this to him?"
Love. Again, that ambiguous word. The one word I could not reciprocate. And I knew then, finally, that I was never in love with him. I did love him as a friend. I did have feelings but they were neither romantic, carnal or emotionally charged. I had told myself that I would never enter an arranged marriage. That I needed to know and love my partner BEFORE I married him. But I was so young and naive about what I wanted and how I felt. The relationship my friends were in and what the media projected about love and falling love was a ruse because it was not applicable to me. I was different and my culture and religion made me different.
I was told not to date and not to fall in love. I tried to circumvent our system but while I was trying too hard for a relationship to happen, along the way, I did not fall in love. I did it all to prove a point to myself and others around me. Instead, it backfired. I could not make it happen. It had to happen naturally. And it was fated to eventually happen naturally, although I didn't know it at the time.
"That is between your brother and I." And that is how I left it. This infuriated her further and she commenced another battery of slanderous remarks against me but I could not take it any longer.
"We are finished here. I am hanging up," I calmly replied.
"You have devastated my brother and....." she exclaimed but I ended her rampage with one final click.
Her last sentence ripped me to the core. And it would stay with me for many years to come.
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