Light of a Candle

I was born on Wednesday, October 14, 1970. My parents married in December of 1969 and technically, I was conceived on January 21, 1970--also on a Wednesday.

Of course, I don't remember my birth. I have yet to meet someone who has. But I have built a vision, after piecing together the events told to me secondhand, thereby creating a visual I carry around for myself today.

My parents did not own a car. When my father moved to Toronto with my pregnant mother, they found a house owned by an elder Chinese couple who were renting out the attic portion. My father was eager to start working (as he would soon be supporting three) and embarked on foot to many job opportunities. My mother made that attic their new home and prepared it for my birth.

When she could no longer take the pangs of labour, my parents took a cab to the nearest hospital. After many, many hours, I was born. I learned years later that my father took it upon himself to name all three children. I was born on a Wednesday and stayed exactly one week in the hospital.

The day my parents left to take me home, my father was holding me in his arms as they stepped out into the parking lot and approached the stationed taxi. It was snowing lightly. When he looked down at me, I was breathing as to blow away the flurries on my face. This delighted him. The skies were darker with the snow but this baby, in a pure white blanket with ivory skin and jet black hair seemed to illuminate his heart.

When he walked in the door after they arrived home, he turned to my mother and exclaimed that he knew what he would name me. My namesake was an original, old Hindu name from pre-colonial India. It struck me as odd since we celebrated our independance as Pakistanis and there was a staunch stand differentiating both cultures. However, in the end, he chose the name for its meaning.

Light of a Candle.

And trust me--from that day on, my parents had been trying to blow that candle out from the minute I was born. According to my zodiac sign, Libra, I am the following:

No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

You are about to learn how these attributes were shaped and formed from the time I was introduced to the world on that autumn yet snowy day...a precursor for nothing ordinary...as my father coined it.

Blue Eyes

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

I wrote him a letter, that in the end, I could not send.

The selfish me wanted to buy time, wanted to extend the illusion of him being around, waiting for me.

He would not see me and this made me cry. And it took me awhile to understand the reason why.

Love me for me and remember the past, for the future holds too many truths.

My chest was heavy with the burden of inheriting a loss beyond reason.

The words flew onto paper without heed or focus - the unleashing of pent up emotions trying to find a place to escape to.

Only to find incomplete solace in the darkness of the night.

I wanted to envelope his pain, blanket his suffering and vacuum away the C. But they beat me in the race to the blue ocean.

And I cried and cried -- and my tears created such enormous waves, that for one split second, I lost sight of him.

But he surfaced and then I saw him - just his eyes, with that familiar crinkle around the corners that told me he was smiling. And just as suddenly as they appeared, his blue eyes disappeared and melted into the blue ocean. And a calm swept over me like never before. And the heaviness was released from my chest.

I waded my feet in the water, but many times, without hesitation, he jumped into the ocean without fear. And how I admired and watched him from afar. He made it so easy, made it so desirable, made it his priority. And I watched, while standing on the unmoving earth and was mesmerized by it all.

The waves have settled, the water is shallow and I wade in the sea, waiting to meet you. Don't venture too far out, but if you must, I understand. For I am not alone. The memories have washed ashore and there are many shells strewn everywhere.

I pick up one seashell and hold it close to my ear. Love me for me, he whispers.

I do, Blue Eyes, as I run and jump into the ocean...