Many of you have read these posts and wondered the same thing:
"What on Earth was she thinking?"
I know, and I accept your skepticism, outrage, sympathy, bewilderment and curiosity.
Its not the norm. Especially in North America. But at the time I married, over twenty years ago, full knowing how my peers were meeting, socializing, dating, courting, fooling around, or whatever you want to call it, I was entrenched in another realm of courtship, or lack thereof.
Ask me today. Would I do it all over again? I am not sure. Not all arranged marriages have worked out for everyone. Each has a story of its own.
The way I see it...there is no formula that leads to marriage. At the end, its a risk.
Whether you know the person for one minute or ten years before marrying them, things change when you sign that dotted line. People change over the years. Situations change, circumstances present challenges. But I do know there is a hell of alot of compromise and sacrifice by both parties in order to make the relationship work.
Only you define that line in the sand.
Monday, the day after my reception, we went to his home, now my home, to meet both sides of the family. It is customary for the girl's side to come and visit to see how the bride is doing and offer 'moral support'. We spent the evening eating dinner and opening up all the wedding gifts. This became a laborious task as you will remember that there were over 400 guests to my wedding (70% of whom I did not know).
I had to pack that night since we were flying off to Spain the next day. Initially, for me it was a relief to be leaving the family behind and venturing off somewhere where no one could bother us. We were told what to do, what to wear, how to act and what not to say for the next 24 hours and it became quite stifling.
Careful what you wish for.
At the airport, both our families came to bid us goodbye. We hugged everyone, with suitcases in tow, and made our way to the security gate. I looked back and saw my family standing there waving me goodbye. I suddenly felt odd.
While going through security, my mind became occupied with the same thought. I was walking away from those that have loved me all my life, unconditionally. The ones who I could confide in, and seek solace and support. And here I was, leaving them behind to venture forward into uncertainty.
Who was he....really? This man who now was my husband? He stood next to me as we watched our items go through the screening machine and I looked at his profile.
I was alone with him. About to travel across the Atlantic to a foreign country...with a 'foreign' man. I swallowed back the lump in my throat. Suddenly, I missed the commotion back at his house with my extended family and his family teasing, pestering and forcing us to eat this or that. I missed being in a comfort zone of people around us. I missed being single.
Yes, I said it. Single. And here I was, about to fly off with this man I called my husband. I stared at him as we sat at the gate waiting to board our flight. I was quiet--he mistook it for tiredness and claimed he was tired too. Was he really tired or in the same predicament as me? Who was this girl he called his wife?
We stared at each other for a good ten minutes without talking. Any onlooker would not have known we just got married. I sat across from him and pretended to read my fashion magazine. I looked at the models and wondered if any of them were married. They looked so normal and happy. I felt abnormal and perturbed. How did married people act?
We boarded the flight and sat next to each other on the plane. There was a buzz around us. People seemed excited. A couple next across the aisle from us were laughing about something. I furrowed my brow and concentrated too hard on how to buckle my belt. Stop analyzing the situation, I told myself. The left side of my brain was too busy trying to figure out my situation and the next step while my right brain argued back on what the hell I was doing. While this battle continued for five minutes before takeoff, I was brought back to the idea of living in the moment.
He reached over and grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear. It was as if he read my mind.
"We have our whole life to figure this out. For now, you're with me, ok?"
I looked into his eyes, nodded and finally....exhaled.
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